It’s times like my break from dating after the Lumbersexual interlude, that the dating apps can really galvanise your need for time out. I was still going through the dating apps on my phone – they truly are a boredom buster, and there lies one of the issues with them. People are on there mindlessly swiping, while watching TV or lying in bed (hopefully) alone. And I definitely spent my fair share of evenings swiping and judging, and judging and swiping, with my inner narrative going wild at all the cliche pics, such as….

Car selfies – is the purpose of this pic to show me you can drive, Rich? Or a metaphor for your desire to be in the driving seat? I’m still unsure, but it’s a strange place to take a picture of yourself.

Other people’s dogs – If you’re trying to get me to swipe on the cuteness of your dog, Ryan, you’re barking up the wrong tree (yup, I just wrote that). I know a lot of girls, and guys, that actually do swipe for a cute dog so it’s kind of mis-selling if it turns out not to be yours. As much as I like dogs, there ain’t a dog cute enough to get me to swipe on a profile that I wouldn’t have swiped on sans dog.

All groups – Dan, your friends all look super fun but I’ve spent two minutes trying to work out which one you are in all 5 of your group pics, I’m now convinced there’s twins in the group, I’m distracted by that one guy’s leg tattoo, I’m wondering if I’ve already dated that guy on the left in the second pic and so I’ll be fucked if I’m going to swipe right on someone I literally can’t pick out of a line up.

With a hot friend – if your first pic is with your hottest friend it’s going to be disappointment all round when I scroll to the next pic and the hot guy from the first pic has disappeared, Tom.

A lil’ too close to a girl – I don’t know who that girl is you’re snuggling up to Brad, but I don’t think any good conversation starts with the question “is that your girlfriend or your sister?”

In a wedding – if it was to have a pic of you in a suit, Matt, I get it, I love man in a suit, but those suits hired for the wedding party you’re in are cheap and/or don’t fit well. It’s not a good look on anyone. And if it’s to show that you’re responsible enough to have been chosen to be in a wedding party, that’s really not saying much. Most weddings I’ve gone to have always had one groomsman who’s the loose canon that the bride didn’t want but the groom insisted because they’ve been friends for 25 years. How do I know you’re not that guy, Will?

Old pics – in only one of your pics, Abe, do you look like the 39 years your profile says you are. The others are clearly from about 15 years prior. Own your age cause if we meet you’re gonna have a hard time pulling off 24.

Blurred/cut off pics – listen, Alex, if you can’t work out how to crop a pic for your profile pic then I fear the delta in our technological abilities may be indicative of a personality mis-match too.

Views – that’s a really nice pic of a mountain, Jackson, but what am I supposed to glean from this? How do I even know you took that pic? You coulda got it off Google.

All selfies – I have to question where your friends are Blair. Doesn’t every group of friends have a photographer? I’m it for my group, which can make getting non-selfie pics of myself tricky but even I’ve managed it. So if all you can muster is selfies, especially that look like they’ve all been taken on the same day, I’m wondering about your social life.

Kilts – unless I’m at home in Scotland, where kilt pics can be the equivalent of the above “in a wedding” pics, I’m going to presume you’re wearing a kilt cause your great-great-great grandfather was half Scottish, Devan, and that’s about as close as you get to Scots heritage. Almost always makes me swipe left.

Naked torsos only – I get it Nick, you’re only here for sex. Your three practically naked pics, especially the one with you suggestively pulling down your shorts at the side with one finger, are hardly screaming that you’re here for anything serious.

Fishing – I’m guessing that “massive catch” you’re showing off is supposed to be an indication of how big your dick is, Niall? I don’t like fish.

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