Oct-2018
I’ve found it hard to write because five years after my divorce papers were signed, I’m still single.
I’ve found it hard to write because it’s been difficult to find the humour, and the silver linings, and the lessons in my dating life recently.
I’ve found it hard to write because I didn’t expect my life to be like this.
I’ve found it hard to write because I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining.
I’ve found it hard to write because being vulnerable right now has me on a knife edge and I’m not entirely sure what’s on the other side.
I’ve found it hard to write because I so desperately want just one of the stories to turn out well and I know that, so far, they don’t. (spoiler alert)
I’ve found it hard to write because there are stories I don’t want to have to re-tell (but being true to what I set out to do, which was tell my story in organised, chronological order, means that I just can’t make myself skip them so instead I paused my writing).
I’ve found it hard to write because I’ve always wanted my blog to give hope, and right now I don’t feel hopeful.
I’ve found it hard to write because staring at all these failed dates in black and white on a screen doesn’t bring me comfort right now.
I’ve found it hard to write because I wish I’d made different choices in some of these stories.
I’ve found it hard to write because I’ve been keeping myself busy with all the plans in the world to avoid sitting with the feeling that there is truly something missing in my life.
I’ve found it hard to write because I don’t want to be someone who laments being single.
I’ve found it hard to write because positivity is key to me and it’s been severely lacking in my life as of late.
I’ve found it hard to write because part of me has started to feel bitter and resentful and hard done by, and that is not who I truly am.
I’ve found it hard to write because I don’t want to admit that my life feels incomplete without a relationship in it.
I’ve found it hard to write because I so want to be happy being single.
I’ve found it hard to write because I’m struggling to accept this is where I am.
I’ve found it hard to write because despite wishing the stories were different I know they’re exactly the way they’re supposed to be and one day, at some point, eventually, it’ll all make sense.
You don’t have to write. Do what heals you. You don’t have to even write here, you can write elsewhere, on paper, set it on fire, make art, make something, make nothing.
You know yourself best and I can feel your pain in this. You shouldn’t force yourself to be positive or sound hopeful. At the same time, you can’t force yourself to retell things that bring you discomfort.
I saw in your reflections that you saw things you should have done differently. I think that’s the beautiful thing about writing and self awareness. Despite the regret or disappointment you have felt, you have lessons you are learning.
And it’s okay!
I know it’s hard to believe and it sounds so cliche but it DOES get better. The best thing is to keep aware and keep productive and check in on yourself as you navigate through this time of your life.
We are here for you.
I had been really enjoying writing, and was finding it incredibly cathartic, up until a few months ago and then… I just didn’t. And then I felt bad about not writing and felt pressure to get back to it.
But a few months off and then getting this all off my chest and I feel better. I know there’s value in my telling my stories, whether it’s for me or others, and with the change of seasons has come a change of heart.
Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated, every single one.